Who Was PSH Anyway?

It’s over.  Just like that.  He’s gone.  Vanished.  Late to meet his three young children in Central Park.  Found with a needle in his arm in his apartment filled with baggies of white stuff and pills.

One of America’s most revered actors.  Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Died of a heroin overdose at age 46.

We are bombarded daily with death reports….war, car accidents, shootings, obituaries (Yes, I read them religiously every single day).  It seems like we have to encapsulate our hearts in steel to lessen the effect.

There’s so much of it that I rarely have a visceral reaction.  Nora Ephron’s passing truly got to me.  One of my heroines.  The self-deprecating humor.  Her horrible marriage to Carl Bernstein depicted in Heartburn….where she describes her husband as “capable of having sex with a Venetian blind.”  In I Feel Bad About My Neck and I Remember Nothing , aging women such as myself laugh out loud at her observations as we reflect on our changing bodies and minds.

And, now.  PSH.  Heroin overdose?!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!  At least, Nora died with dignity….leukemia.  At least, her family and friends could have some closure in her last days.  A drug overdose…so cruel to the survivors.

I’m sure it’s complicated why this happened.  But, I don’t see it that way….at least, not now.  I’m angry about it….even as I know that’s not my higher self talking.  I’m haunted by this death.  I think about it when I close my eyes at night and try to get myself into some of peaceful slumber.

For the past two nights, I haven’t been able to do it.  So many unanswered questions.  What the hell was he thinking?  How could he leave his beautiful children with this legacy?  One of our most gifted artists, an intellectual, a talented and loving partner who by all accounts is a devoted mother.  He supposedly was a doting father.  Plenty of resources to lead a comfortable and satisfying life.

And, yet, he still stuck that needle in his arm…just like any junkie.  No thoughts of leaving behind his children….only seeking the next high.

He ended his life….and he ended the lives of his children and his partner.  Nothing will ever be the same for them.  Ever.

PSH had ended his addictions 23 years ago….until last spring when prescription pills for pain restarted his quest for the perfect high.  He even checked in to rehab and checked himself out after 10 days.  That worked.  And now his apartment is filled with baggies.

His demons were clearly in control.  We all have them.  I know I do.  I’ve struggled with cigarettes and occasional binge drinking forever.

Hypnosis helped me get rid of the cigarettes.  Done with the binge drinking.  I had to face my fears about loneliness and anxiety and just love who I am warts and all.  I decided I wanted to stay alive as long as I could to be with my family.  It was then that I found Buff Honey and my joy grew exponentially.

Quite frankly, I never had the out of control drug experience.  Yes, I liked that morphine for pain after my hip surgery, but I knew I had to get off that stuff immediately!

I’m beyond fortunate that my children weren’t popping oxycontin or snorting cocaine or using crack or heroin.  Alcohol?  Yes, but they lived through there teens and twenties and are way more mature than me.

Many parents go through hell and back to save their children from drugs.  A teacher friend of mine moved to one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in Maryland, sent her kids to the top high school and she even worked in the school.  Her oldest child, her only son, died of a heroin overdose the night of his high school graduation.  Is it any wonder she had a double mastectomy the following year?

I do think that probably addictive behavior runs in families.  I know it’s in mine.  I have a cousin that was addicted to drugs and alcohol early in high school and, after many harrowing years, gave it all up with the help of AA and whatever he calls a higher power.  It’s been almost 20 years now.  He did it right.  He didn’t marry or have children until he was whole.  Sobriety has brought him the most fulfilling life he could’ve ever imagined.

Living alone is not a good thing for me.  Being part of a family unit or partnership promotes a healthier lifestyle….unless, you’re both in the cups.

I wonder about Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Why was he not living with his kids?  God knows, it’s more difficult to shoot up when you’re rooted in busy family life.

I also know it’s not that easy.  There’s no simple explanation.  The demons came back.  They were in control.  Explain that to a 3 year old who will never see her daddy again.

Only her daddy could answer the questions.