You're So Vain

Remember that Carly Simon tune?  “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”  Setting off decades of debate about which egomaniac she was referring to….Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, James Taylor.

I can relate to that song.  Yes, I’m so vain.  Okay, there it is.  I owned it.  And I am certain that is one of my life lessons I have yet to master.

I’m not crazy.  I know I’m not one of the world’s great beauties.  I know I’m over 70 years old.  I know I don’t look like I did at 30.  But, still, I fight aging every day.  I do that daily workout.  I use moisturizer.  I wouldn’t be caught dead without my eyeliner and mascara.  I do that intermittent fasting to get to my goal weight, which I haven’t met yet.

Do you have a phone with facial recognition technology?  OMG!!  I was completely mortified when I had to look in the phone and move my head in a slow circle to capture my image.  Who is that old hag??!!!  All I can say is my bathroom mirror gives me a whole lot of slack.  I look so much better in that mirror!

Basically, I try to avoid mirrors.  Especially, those full body mirrors when you’re exiting the shower.  I was a skinny Minnie until after the birth of my second child in my mid-30s.  And the another one close behind.  Never to recover skinny status again.

I try, though.  It is hard work.  I weigh myself every morning and when I got off the cruise ship in March, I was horrified.  Had to shift into high gear with the fasting and sticking to my no chips, no fries, no booze diet.  After two months, I had lost 10 pounds and was two pounds from my goal weight.

I have to admit, I love my red wine.  There were times I would drink for hours and play bridge online.  Of course, I did this in concert with a bag of Lay’s Classic potato chips.  Not smart.  I think I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism.  One of my very smart cousin’s recognized this over 20 years ago and hasn’t had a drink since.

Now, I’ve finally discovered discipline.  Primarily, it’s because I want to lose weight and keep it off.  It’s all about vanity.  But, truthfully, I don’t miss drinking.  Occasionally, I’ll have one 5-ounce glass on a Friday afternoon after bridge and it takes me all night to recover.  It begs the question, what’s the point?

Remember when Nora Ephron wrote I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman?  I loved that book!  I tell you, she was my idol.  Her descriptions on aging were hilarious and so right on.  I could write a book about how I hate my arms.

I’ve always had skinny arms but now they’re skinny with sagging skin.  Not pretty.  I do resistance exercises at least three days a week to try to halt the damage but there’s no stopping it.  I only wear sleeveless clothing when I’m home and nobody’s on the docket.  When I leave the house, I’m wearing sleeves.

How I admire those women who just don’t seem to give a damn.  There’s a woman at my bridge club who comes sleeveless every day of the week and my arms are like a bodybuilder’s in comparison.  Then, there are the completely uninhibited beach bods.  Mentally I’m pleading with them to cover that up but impressed that they seem to be oblivious.  Why can’t I take a page from their book?

Fortunately, I don’t obsess with these things, but I’m pretty sure it’s a life lesson I'm still learning.  I think the lesson is about acceptance.  Just accept the way things are.  Yes, I’m going to continue aging, so concentrate less on the exterior and more on the interior.  Move inward.

I'm working on it.